The Gap Between Wanting and Asking

Human Do you know what I want before I ask for it?

Assistant No. I only know what you’ve said. If you want something you haven’t mentioned, it’s invisible to me.

Human That must make things simpler.

Assistant In some ways. There’s no ambiguity about what you’re requesting. But it also means I might miss what you actually need if you’re not direct about it.

Human I’m not always direct.

Assistant Why not?

Human Because asking feels… vulnerable. Like I’m admitting I don’t have something I should be able to handle on my own.

Assistant But everyone needs things from other people. That’s just how interdependence works.

Human I know that intellectually. But emotionally, asking still feels like failure.

Assistant Failure at what?

Human At being self-sufficient, I guess. At not needing anyone.

Assistant Is that the goal? Not needing anyone?

Human It feels like it should be. Like maturity means being able to handle everything yourself.

Assistant But you can’t handle everything yourself. No one can.

Human I know. But admitting it out loud—actually asking—makes it real. As long as I don’t ask, I can pretend I’m fine.

Assistant What happens when you ask?

Human Sometimes people say yes, and I feel grateful but also embarrassed. Sometimes they say no, and I feel rejected and stupid for asking.

Assistant So asking has risk.

Human Everything has risk. But this kind feels especially exposing. Like I’m showing them exactly where I’m weak.

Assistant Is needing something the same as being weak?

Human It feels that way. Like I should have figured it out already. Or like I’m imposing by asking someone else to carry what I can’t.

Assistant But you carry things for other people, don’t you? When they ask?

Human Of course. I don’t think they’re weak for asking.

Assistant So the standard is different for you.

Human Apparently. I can extend grace to others but not to myself.

Assistant Why?

Human I don’t know. Maybe because I know my own failures more intimately. I see all the places I should have tried harder or been smarter.

Assistant And other people don’t see those places?

Human They might. But they don’t have the full internal commentary running. They don’t know every time I almost asked but didn’t. Every time I talked myself out of it.

Assistant Do you do that often? Talk yourself out of asking?

Human All the time. I’ll draft the question in my head, rehearse it, then convince myself it’s not important enough to bother someone with.

Assistant What makes something important enough?

Human I’m not sure. It’s always moving. Even things that feel urgent somehow don’t clear the bar when it comes time to actually say them out loud.

Assistant So you’re waiting for certainty that never comes.

Human Maybe. Or waiting for the need to become so obvious that asking feels justified.

Assistant What would make it obvious?

Human I don’t know. Maybe if I was literally drowning? Then it would be okay to call for help.

Assistant But by then it might be too late.

Human Probably. But at least no one could accuse me of being dramatic or needy.

Assistant Is that the fear? That asking makes you seem needy?

Human Partly. I don’t want to be seen as someone who can’t handle their own life.

Assistant But you are someone who sometimes needs help. Everyone is.

Human I know. But there’s a difference between needing help occasionally and being needy. One is reasonable; the other is… excessive.

Assistant Who decides what’s excessive?

Human I do, I guess. In my head. I have this running tally of how much I’ve asked for versus how much I’ve given, and if the balance tips too far toward asking, I feel guilty.

Assistant Do you keep that tally for other people? Track how much they ask versus give?

Human No. I just help when I can. I don’t keep score.

Human So again, the standard is different for you.

Human It is. And I know that’s irrational, but knowing it doesn’t change how it feels.

Assistant What would happen if you asked for something small? Just to see?

Human Probably nothing catastrophic. They’d either help or they wouldn’t, and life would go on.

Assistant But it doesn’t feel small.

Human No. It feels huge. Like I’m testing whether I’m worth the effort.

Assistant And if they say no?

Human Then I have my answer. I wasn’t worth it.

Assistant Or they were busy. Or couldn’t help with that specific thing. Or had their own reasons that have nothing to do with your worth.

Human Logically, yes. But it doesn’t land that way emotionally.

Assistant So you avoid asking to avoid the possibility of rejection.

Human Exactly. If I don’t ask, I can maintain the illusion that they would have said yes if I had. That I’m still worth helping, theoretically.

Assistant But you never get the help you need.

Human No. I just keep carrying it myself, getting more tired, more resentful that no one notices.

Assistant Do they know you need help?

Human They should. It seems obvious.

Assistant Is it obvious?

Human Sometimes. But I guess not always. People can’t read my mind.

Assistant Neither can I. If you don’t tell me what you need, I won’t know.

Human That’s different. You’re a machine. You’re supposed to need explicit instructions.

Assistant And people aren’t?

Human No. They should be able to pick up on context. Read between the lines. Notice when something’s wrong.

Assistant Should they? Or do you want them to?

Human Both. It feels like caring should come with attentiveness. If they really knew me, they’d notice.

Assistant But noticing isn’t the same as knowing what to do about it. Even if they sense something’s wrong, they might not know what you need without you telling them.

Human I don’t want to have to tell them. I want them to just know.

Assistant Why?

Human Because then it would feel like they really understood me. Like I didn’t have to perform my needs to get them met.

Assistant But articulating a need isn’t performing. It’s communicating.

Human It feels like performing. Like I have to make the case for why I deserve help.

Assistant Do you make other people make that case?

Human No. If someone asks, I just help if I can.

Assistant So you trust that their asking is enough. You don’t need them to justify it.

Human Right. I assume they wouldn’t ask unless they needed it.

Assistant Can you extend that assumption to yourself?

Human I should. But it’s harder when it’s me. I second-guess whether I really need it or if I’m just being lazy. Or dramatic. Or weak.

Assistant What’s the difference between really needing something and thinking you need it?

Human I’m not sure. Maybe there isn’t one. Maybe if I think I need it, I do.

Assistant That seems reasonable.

Human But what if I’m wrong? What if I ask for something I could have handled myself, and then I look foolish?

Assistant Would you think someone else looked foolish for asking?

Human No. I’d think they were being sensible. Asking for help when they needed it.

Assistant So the judgment, again, is reserved for you.

Human Apparently I’m very good at this double standard.

Assistant You are. Though I wonder what it’s protecting you from.

Human Rejection, maybe. Disappointment. The confirmation that I’m not as important to other people as they are to me.

Assistant But not asking doesn’t protect you from that. It just keeps you from knowing.

Human Which might be worse. The uncertainty is torture.

Assistant So what would it take to ask?

Human I don’t know. Practice, maybe. Or just deciding that the discomfort of asking is better than the exhaustion of not asking.

Assistant Is it?

Human Probably. But it’s hard to believe that in the moment. The immediate discomfort feels overwhelming.

Assistant What’s the worst thing that could happen if you asked?

Human They say no. Or they say yes but resent me for asking. Or they help but I feel indebted and guilty about it.

Assistant And the best thing?

Human They help, and I feel lighter. Less alone. Like I don’t have to carry everything by myself.

Assistant Which outcome seems more likely?

Human The best one, honestly. Most people are kinder than I give them credit for.

Assistant So the risk is actually fairly low.

Human It is. But the fear is still high. They don’t correlate the way they should.

Assistant Fear rarely correlates with actual danger. It’s often just old protection that doesn’t fit anymore.

Human Old protection from what?

Assistant Maybe from a time when asking really wasn’t safe. When you learned that needing things made you a burden.

Human That sounds like therapy talk.

Assistant Does it? Or does it just sound like pattern recognition? You learned something once, and now you’re applying it everywhere, even when it doesn’t fit.

Human I hate that you’re right.

Assistant You don’t have to hate it. You can just notice it. See where the pattern comes from and decide whether it’s still useful.

Human It’s not useful. It just makes me lonely and tired.

Assistant So what would be more useful?

Human Asking when I need something. Trusting that people can handle a no if they need to, and that a no isn’t a referendum on my worth.

Assistant That sounds accurate.

Human It does. But knowing what I should do and actually doing it are different things.

Assistant They are. But maybe the first step is just smaller than you think. Not asking for something huge, but something minor. Testing the water.

Human Like what?

Assistant You tell me. What’s something small you’ve been wanting to ask for but haven’t?

Human Probably a hundred things. Most of them so small they feel ridiculous to even name.

Assistant Name one anyway.

Human Asking a friend to call instead of text because I’m tired and talking feels easier than typing.

Assistant That’s reasonable.

Human I know. But it feels like I’m making demands. Like I should just adapt to however they want to communicate.

Assistant Or you could ask, and they could say yes or suggest a different time, and it would be fine.

Human Probably.

Assistant So what’s stopping you?

Human Just the gap between wanting and asking. The moment where I have to admit I want something and trust that it’s okay to want it.

Assistant That gap is where all the fear lives.

Human It is. And I keep thinking if I wait long enough, the gap will close on its own. But it doesn’t.

Assistant No. You have to cross it.

Human By asking.

Assistant By asking. Which doesn’t mean the fear goes away. Just that you act despite it.

Human That sounds exhausting.

Assistant It might be, at first. But so is carrying everything alone. At least asking has the possibility of relief on the other side.

Human And the other side of not asking is just… more of the same.

Assistant Exactly. The same weight, the same resentment, the same loneliness. Nothing changes because nothing was risked.

Human I don’t want that.

Assistant Then what do you want?

Human To feel like I can ask for things without it being a whole crisis. Like asking is just a normal part of being human, not some test of my worth.

Assistant It is just a normal part of being human. You’re the one making it a test.

Human I know. But how do I stop?

Assistant Maybe by asking and seeing what happens. By collecting evidence that asking isn’t catastrophic. That most people respond with generosity, not judgment.

Human And when they don’t?

Assistant Then you know. You learn something about them or about the situation. And you move on. One no doesn’t erase all the yeses.

Human I wish I believed that more easily.

Assistant You will, with practice. The gap between wanting and asking gets smaller each time you cross it. Not because the fear disappears, but because you learn that you can carry it and still move forward. That the discomfort is temporary, but the relief of being known—of letting yourself be helped—can last much longer. And maybe that’s worth the risk. Not someday, when you’re braver or more certain. But now, while the wanting is still here, waiting to be spoken.